KNOW YOUR ROOTS! BE PROUD!

I don't think me having plural identities, languages, behaviors, surroundings, ideals, wishes, etc is any good to me.  It was working for a while but after some years I've realized that i am rootless, nothing, and i don't have a direction.  I recommend everyone to learn who you are, and be proud of that.  Erase the potential for lying to yourself, and you'll have better chances of knowing what you want and where you're heading.

Regards, an increasingly lost soul in cyberspace.

i'm such a sorry ass, using this internet to puke out my guts.  I don't recommend being lost like this, *avoid*

I drink my apple juice with vivid intensity as if it were whisky

I'm having issues with my artistic processes.  I seem to be in the middle of a project but still not sure of what are my intentions.  And then HoW Can I gO on PREtending To maKE sometHing of ReleVANce to the rest.

Should i fuck the rest also when i don't know myself whats going on?  I mean, it's obviously all right to ignore any critics or other interventions from outside as far as i'm having a strong feeling that the stuff i do needs to be done, and that i believe in it's value and possibilities.  But when this is lacking, really we are back at technical exercises.  And Truthfully some of the technical exercises that i've done (and other artists can usually confirm this) have resulted in fairly valuable artistic entities, BUT NOT BY FAR ALL OF THEM, and EVEN, It's a major difference between by chance making art through doing technical exercises, and doing technical exercises to make art.  IT DOES NOT SEEM RIGHT TO ME TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME DOING SOMETHING IF THERE ARE NO GOOD INTENTIONS BEHIND.

Obviously i'm far to pretentious and ambitious.  Being this will probably end my artistic workings. Which is sad for me but might be good for the rest of the world, there are already way to much crap out there made by people doing this to be seen.  I don't make art to be seen, If i want to be seen and recognized i talk to people, persuade them that i'm right about something, entertain them with my share presence so i can own their laughter and their minds (i'm insane, i know, but in fact it's just honesty, i believe we all do this in some degree.  I hope I'm wrong about that...) So why do i make art?  To avoid doing boring day jobs is THE most accurate answer.  Also i've got stuff i believe in that i want to realize so it can be shared with other people, so everybody can have something in common that makes them believe that life is a lot of things but also beautiful and insane in a good way, and not understandable but comprehensible still.  IM SO SCRUED; THIS IS CRAP; TALK IS NOTHING; ACTION SPEAKS; I DON'T SEEM TO DO ANYTHING; IM STILL SCRUED.  


what should i do, how can i save myself from this agony and absolutely possibly embarrassing situation, i can't stand embarrassment!


I'll tell u one thing;  i won't be drinking.  THAT I DON'T BELIEVE IN AND I WANT EVERYONE TO STOP DOING DRUGS*  now. please. 


peace.

Boring questions of no relevance as everyone already thought of this and decided that it's just how it is and we'd better do our best to fight it or we won't get nothing done ever

How come it is so incredibly hard to do what i've decided to do?  How come i want to do all kinds of other things while i'm suppose to do something "important".

And the answer:

- it's the easy way of living?
- i dont believe i can really do what i've decided?
- doing other stuff makes my subconsciousness do the proper stuff without me noticing (hoping of this)
- I've forgotten that working isn't really that hard, and i've developed  a fear that i'll exhaust myself doing this stuff (and possibly die of it)?

So i have no answer.  only stupidity on the subject.

a dislocated reasoning describing a way of coincidences that confuses me

What's left when you've already explored your self and your own potentials, limits and abilities to the utter realm of boredom?

my advice would be to engage in other stuff than yourself.  other people exists to.  there are birds out there. sounds, tastes and everything.

my problem is that my engaging in other stuff is a part of my selfexploring and selfexpressive testing of my surroundings.

So: I can't seem to escape myself.  it seems like a mental bug, it's a way of thinking and being which i don't particularly care for but anyhow i'll keep on in the same manner since i don't know how to flip myself out of it.

Thanks to Sigurd Ros I thought of this.  Why i wonder - why?

I most SINCERELY APOLOGIZE THAT MY WRITINGS HARDLY MAKES ANY SENSE AT ALL.

peer preasure

Everybody else does that so i'm doing it too.  There's no excuse for me, i'll never do anything totally new and unseen, all my choices and doings are forever being as they are because i think it's the right feeling.  It doesn't even need to be rational.

I'm never on my own.  I'm always with you's, affected by you, listening to you, trying to be accepted by you, trying somehow to fit in.  It's bigger than politics.  All i want to do is to fit in.  (and that the mud i'm fitting into aren't too boring)

(you, you's, is in this context thought of as the ones i value as my peers, or as people more fortunate than me (in whatever way) so i'd like to become them.  it's not everybody on earth.  But i believe the consequence is that if everyone i consider more valuable disappear, i would be so keen to live on that i'd adapt to some other way of living, to help myself)

I don't care! or, ehm, i might. I doo, for sure. or? i'll have to think about it

It's not that big a problem really, that i always am having plurial views on everything, and that i change my mind all the time.

(What!: have i become a women now?)

Why isn't it?: don't know.  obviously it might be so i can't be sure of anything.

first, bed...

Why does the urge to pick up the fight and kick ass live like crazy always hit me a second before (or after) i should have gone to sleep?

The inspiration seems immense - though its useless as i'm far to tired and doesn't have the drive to start doing something crazy now and being exhausted tomorrow morning.

Shame on me for probably waking up tomorrow way late and believing firmly that i'm too tired to be able to do anything anyways.  What a waste of good inspiration!

I have to change it. make no compromises with my lazy self.  Be my own firm boss..... It's so cliché but still i need to do this.  But now, bed...