Blame game

If you're doing it (the blame game) - stop! and listen to each other.

I'm currently in a situation, it became a blame game. It's not constructive, not solving anything, it's hurtful and crushing and belitteling. And the real solution will come later on. way later. after tonns of worry. so no need to go there...

Good luck!

Integrity?

THIS IS WHO I AM, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT I'LL ADAPT TO YOUR NEEDS

I was just arresting me for thinking that.

But maybe it ain't all that bad, alltough going all the way is wrong, we know for a fact that compromises make the world spin every day.  Sharing is joy.

pathetique.

Pathetique in real life ain't nowhere near as beautiful as Beethovens. 

So I woke up feeling down. That really depressed me.  And my mind went in a downwards spiral telling me all the argh's about my life.  I don't have a proper job, i don't have a carrear, i don't have a love, i don't dare to express myself, i'm so freakin shy i'll never be able to create a deep relation to somone special, there is someone who has a crush on me but i'm not appreciating it, i'm getting old, my education is worth zip, even i'm too thin and i don't understand anything about life.


I worry to much today.

I've got the bluuuuueeeeeeees.

And. (the rest).

I retarded myself by drinking.  That's why i'm so opposed to drinking. Drinking doesn't help.

SURPRISINGLY AUTHENTIC HUMAN BEINGS

We're all children too, somewhere sometimes.  At least that's how the saying goes.  It's what we think of ourselves when we feel young and irresponsible, able to laugh and invent situations.  Aka when we are happy.

But we ARE happy sometimes, all the childlike traits of our caracter are not a child, it is us! We are able to be happy, to be energetic and young at any age, to laugh and joke about when it suits us, to loose control and live like it's no forever coming..

what's up with editing our behaviour? what's so scary about having fun!

WE ARE!  We exist! Totally, not only partly...  let's not excuse ourselves for living, let's BE SURPRISINGLY AUTHENTIC HUMAN BEINGS!

bad farting.

I find myself wondering "what is it really you are suppose to do when you accidentaly let go some smelly wind in the wrong situation?"  For instance when you're chatting up someone, or just talking to someone, or even - when you are in the swingdors or in the elevator.  First, you hope it not to be a smelly one....

Then, when it just spreads so slowly and linguers on into seemingly infinity - seconds becomes hours and you spend so much energy getting into a state of emotional crisis that you just can't go on with your conversation.  Everybody most probably caught the picture.  And let's be honest, it can last for like a minute or probably even worse.  The time available is abundantly sufficient to do this equation:

That bad smell + your weird face = easy task. 

Then the discovery that everyone discovered your guilt embarrasses you further and the blushing starts to show.  You need to clear your throuth and your eyes flicker all over the place.  You might even raise your voice a tad, hoping the louder sound will disquise the wrong smell.

Do you excuse yourself verbally or just hope everyone forgets so quickly? What if you are only two? how to deal with it then? And why do i keep doing this, i rarely get farted at myself.  It's probably a subversive strategy on some uncouncious level.  Yeah, I'll go with that.  I'm simply mean.

It feels so much better now that i've decided that i know that.

beer or tv?

Whats the better habit;

Staying away from tv by drinking alcohol.
(consequently staying away from reality by being too drunk)

Staying away from reality by watching tv.
(consequently entering reality by making tv persons your real life friend whom you share your joys and sorrows with)

?

So, i guess there are more alternatives, just none of them came to my mind now.  I'm probably broken from alternating beers and tv.

seeks editor for general raffinement and sharpening of edges.

so, who wants to be my editor?  I'd like an online editor, someone whom i don't know, and who doesn't know me.  You need to be really smart and enjoy some of my posts.
I am an awful writer, i know, cause i don't know how to rid me of my litterary darlings. So it all ends up being a little bit of to much (just like me myself i am when i get at to do something in the real life).  So far this blog is no great success, to be honest.  But it is still fairly good.  And sometimes interesting, and sometimes tidious.  I just can't really tell.  I am the opposite of a philosopher.  A philosophers job is to make distinctions between different consepts.  My abilities does not include making distinctions.  SO to meet with the needs of the real world i need you as an editor.  If you already read all this text you are probably qualified.  And interested.  Or you're just a furious philosopher.  I can assure you - no harm intended here.  And now you are waiting for me to praise you.  Here it comes:  Yeah, what a really great job you did reading all this and keeping your face!  wow, you read every word, awsome.  I like your style, your very serious, thats a good thing.  Will you come make me your bitch?  (be my editor.  I've never had any editors so i'm not all to familiar with the ways of such a professional relationship.)

well, don't wait, call me.

where's the undo button on facebook?

What to do when i embarassed myself on facebook!  It was no major thing, just i accidentally clicked join to an event i didn't want to join because the event already was over (Who joins an event when it's over! and ther was like only 4 other participants!).  So the embarassing thing is that the event maker will be notifyed that i'm explicitly joining his event which is already over.  Omg. hes gonna thing "well there's a proper fan of me! really" and next time he sees me he's gonna look at me extra carefully to se if my extra fan-ness is spotifyble. It will be, because i will remember this embarassement and start an uncontrollable blush.  Even though the one i was a particular fan of during todays event actually was his friend which was the reason why i even got close to that event-site in the first place, i just met that guy today and i wanted to see if i could find him on facebook.  I couldn't, bummer.  Or puh? at least there is a comfort he probably won't remember my facebook mess.  He probably was sceptical to join facebook because he was scared to do embarassing social mistakes (yeah, i wish...).  What an unnessecary eventful and stressful 5 minutes this has been.  Only two things to do now; 1 hope he (and nobody else) doesn't notice.  2.  Hope I can forget (i know i won't).  3 GET OF THE FREKIN INTERNET AND GO TO BED to prevent further embarassments, it's so late i long time ago lost control over my fingers. (4.  If that guy from the event is reading this because he's got extra time not being on facebook - here's a message for you; I'm really cute and want to meet you again)

issues.

I'm so introverted i hate exposiour.
I'm so fond of myself that i love the feedback.

It's a clinch.

It's not really a problem anyhow.  The real issue is how to build a future in a jungel of impossibilities. 

self. about occational naivity losses.

I just hate it when people see me better than i see myself, and when - after a substansial time laps (months, perhaps years) i get around to recognizing what i so immensly loathed the first time i was told i was like that..

Are you type A or B person?

PERSONALITY TYPES:

A.  The STAR! : Be the most ambitious freak you can and work your ass of to gain some selfpleasing when you see others respecting you - or even being jealous of your accomplishments.  Bitch about things when you're unhappy, be extatic when you succeed.

B.  The nobody : Be some part of a cogwheel, never complain and find your dealt-out place sufficient and pleasing.   Be mostly quiet.

I think i know who i am.  Who are you?  Is it right to make this distintion between different types of people?  I know artist's often do.  But artist's also often feel unseucsessful and have a hard life, that perhaps compells the artist to adhere to self-flattering hypotheses that justifies their hardship and suffering.

Are you your personality by choice or nature? 


(post-prologue from the type experimenter:

I exhausted myself helping my friends projects.  Same time my own security dwindled and i was suddenly left alone, tired and without future.  So, GET TO WORK!, i said to myself, can't stay like this, ain't entertaining enough!  It's hard to be one self, to create ones work and life and not to just let it happen.  Especially because the moment you start initiating your own activity, consequently there will be no activity when you can't be bothered being industrious.  These moments can create unsatisfactory empty voids in your soul, potentially dangerous stuff, so it is important to stay in the game.  Life is anyways not a controllable entity, so no matter how hard we try it is sure gonna be hard.  It's better to have a hard and happy life, rather than an also hard - but miserable life.  But for those who don't even bother trying i think it's important not to be ambitious. That's where i went wrong this time; it's lovely to be helpful to friends and all, but i forgot that my way of life is to be about my own ambitions.  Lack of working on my own situation creates confusion and can quickly become a game of hasard to me - leading me to confusion frustration, loss of initiativ and an all to scary darkness.  That i forgot, submitting to serving other peoples projects.
Finally, a word of adwise:  If you choose to be serving other peoples projects, be sure not to be the ambitious one yourself!)

uplifting listening (corcoran)

Listening to this was a very uplifting experience.  Nice music.  I love music.  And the human ability to focus on listening to gain esthetic profit is amazing.  How is it that we can make beautyful sense of soundwaves hitting us over and over?

And how about the instruments!  How could they possibly be invented with such precision and soundquality!  And the orchestra, how is it possible with collaboration on that level neccesary to play this so nicely?

In fact the whole thing is a demonstration of positive human qualities.  There is a lot of hostility and challenges in the world today.  But this demonstration of human capacities is strengthening my belief that it is possible to find solutions even when it seems impossible.

And if by chance solution or salvation is not yet present, this raffined expression of deepfelt emotions, especially the ones from the part of the emotional scale we really usually try to avoid falling into, can be quite suiting.

language is so scary part 2, identitycrisis.

I've said it before, language is soo scary!  Just think about how amazingly easy it is for us to create a parallell reality just by twisting the words a little bit.  How often isn't what you said really what you ment?  Or your typing gets ahead of you and the simple clear meaning you wanted to postulate has grown and become it's own entity, autonom outside of your mind.

Where are we really?  I guess perhaps humans are just blubs (/souls) walking around in shells of so called identity - stuff we really can't control.  But we believe we can, and in fact, our efforts to try and control and shape our identity encreases the gap between who we are and who we think we are.  We are never what (who) we think we are.  We are hardly what other people think we are either.  We are lost blubs deep down covered in a shell of believed humanity.  Though the real human is what we are when we are asleep.  Then we give our selves totally to our nature.

The real us is beyond words, of course, we all know this.  Still, we are so willingly reducing ourselves and others by trying to frame ourselves in a nice square or in a looped sequence of concepts - words.  This way of excluding and specifying qualities, abilities, feelings and so on enables us to reach a reduced and sensored understanding of our selves - an understanding we actually can grasp and accept.  Hence we all believe sometimes to be the king of the world.  The concept of a full authentic human being beyond words and culture is far to complex for us to understand. 

Conclusion: We are so trapped.  By our own language.  And our own nature.  This is of course why and how we are humans.  Perhaps we should celebrate rather than distress. Don't worry be happy.  And so on....

unsolvable animosity, why?

So my friends are enemies to one another.  What to do?  They are intelligent grown human beings with low self-esteem and a mean way of handeling each other.   They both behave irrational, they both can't see the other ones perspective, and neither of them can even imagine a solution.

Yet, they don't erase each others phone number.

I actually think they somewhere deep down love one another.  But they've hurt oneanother so intensly and deeply that it's not possible to build a bridge over the very large salty gap between them.   At least it's optimistic to think this rather than believing they cling on to one anothers phone numbers to always have someone to throw their shit at, someone to hurt.

It's very sad. And redundant.  But still so increadibly real.

And I feel pity for myself for having to handle being in the middle of a unsolvable situation that every now and then crashes and they hurt each other to bits and pieces because the world is to small for them to be able to avoid each other.

I must be the insane one here, thinking this is a problem for me. It is, of course, but that is so far from being the essence of the situation, it's ashaming me to think I'm that selfish. But I too can't really see any solutions here, it's like their disfriendship has become a force majeure in my life that i have to move around like another blizard.  And I'm already frozen, can't solve it so I've, with time, got increasingly indifferent.  It is sad.  And the entire situation very well feels just as unnecessary as sad.

How come we are so damaged that we trap ourselves in perpetually sad, hurtful and unsolvable situations?