The crazy madness is still

Be ware, fun is possible!  speculation is vividly being done between humans to recreate their tired minds.

I still struggle to understand the discrepancy of global life.  My life is privileged, many others not so much. Still i'm the one who complains.  Even when I'm really otherwise occupied, i find time to complain at least a bit.

But, even with this note in the back of my consciousness I notice that fun, mad, crazy fun is possible, and necessary to exist.

Keep creating!  Creativity is the best madness ever!

human disaster.

It is tough and heartbreaking when innocent people die and get hurt.  We don't know what to say and do anymore.  Perspective changes, little things no longer matter.  Ordinary stuff are not a priority.  Everyone is restricting themselves.  Fun is not appropriate.

An experience of this just flew by me as I am was in Oslo when the bomb exploded.  Time uncovered that the happening was part of a gigantic, gruesome, horrible terrorist attack from some megalomaniac idiot.  But it is, as gruesome as it still is, over now.  We don't expect more of this.  It is highly unlikely to happen again.  We are all relieved that the story was short.  However we are mourning the situation, it is immensely sad, a national catastrophe and a human disaster.  But we will eventually get back to normal.

I'm now thinking that this is the reality day after day for all the people who lives in war, terror and other hostile situations.  I've heard of people in Albany who can't go out because their neighbors will kill them instantly.  And the war zones, the attacks, The Israel, the Palestine, The Libya, not to forget the Somalie, the Afghan, Tsjetsjenie, Burma, South Korea and so on every place where humans commit awful crimes towards other humans.

How are these people even able to sustain life!  Amazing, truly amazing.

I hope that peace and health will come to everyone.  I hope the people in need have something beyond the need and misery in their lives.  It's hard to imagine the horrible situations so many people must endure daily.
Please don't ever be mean.   Love each other.
It is not always easy, but it is for the better.

blog analysis

I think the reason most blogs suck, is that they are some kind of monologues, mostly produced by people who's motivation is extreme joy for their life and family, extreme agony for the very same thing, extreme loneliness, or some irrational belief that the blog we write can make a crucial difference to ours or others life.   Mainly self help in some form, mixed with the slightest bit of creativity (we all feel genius when we're creative - this is perhaps the largest illusion, everyone is creative, it's an universal survival strategy, and you're not special because of your creative abilities.)(some people are skilled - that's a different story) (ps. you are special because you are who you are, and a lot of people appreciates you, so don't worry)

In reality we can better make differences if we talk to people, not just randomly complain.

Blogging is therefore to actively take an irresponsible and perhaps lazy stand to being an active member of your society.  I feel myself that i waste my energy here, i have a lot of energy that no-one receives, and that doesn't help anyone.  This will only ever be useful if blogging makes me a better writer, and i sometime in the future can find some situation to write something that makes positive impact, something with potential.  Somehow i doubt blogging is a good exercise towards anything but keeping illusions active in the daily life.
 I can of course not disregard that effect as possibly important either.

still to decide. bE kiNd!

I'm one of those people who absolutely lack determination.  I don't really know what i think is the best music, or what is the most interesting book.  Like this i end up trying everything.  What happens when you try to do things in a manner like you don't really know how you are trying and what, is that you end up with all sorts of stuff that couldn't be predicted.  Most of it is also some kind of crap, but i am surprised how often i get surprised that the stuff i randomly produce or experience is surprisingly well functioning and sometimes even interesting or fascinating.

However, those who aim for nothing probably ends up with nothing (it's a downhill experience - totally easy)

So what about the future?  can I expect some honor?  being an honorable person as i grow older and out of life?
At least i will be able to tell myself i certainly was able to keep the possibilities open in the early 2000s- even though the result was frequently in between d'al niente al niente somewhere.

Being noticed is not really that important.  Not being stressed out is.

My god i'm such a child of post-modernism,
- i'm childish
- i cherish relativity
- i move around on the surface
- i lack abilities to concentrate and work in depth with interesting issues.
- i lack ability to take my own identity seriously.
- i have plural i's (really i'm more like a cave person not noticing myself - only how the group is functioning - or like that i hope and aspire to be)

I draw from this a need to be kind.  No way in eternity will my work have any importance in year 2100. So My dedication is for the living now, and hence i'll try and be nice and make good times on earth.


Well.

what is this!

someone wise said once or twice that we shall always keep the investigating position whilst meeting new, unseen, surprising, incomprehensible or old and known stuff of any kind, the position represented by the frase:


"What is this?!"

Here is your reminder.  I find this position immensely constructive, but also rather easy to ignore during uninspired and tired times.  All the more reason to investigate stuff, as this has a tendency to inspire and awaken people.

I'm meeting now the music of Åke Parmerud.  He is a swedish electroacoustic composer and performer.  It is indeed wonderful to listen.

My piano and i

almost out of sympathy my piano is so out of tune on certain keys, when i wrongly play the classics it's like we are in agreement of our level of perfection.  The symbiosis is breathtaking.  We do our best,

Still, the neighbors are scarcely impressed.

NATURE. most inconvenient...

It is very much annoying for the misanthropic me that i can be offensively angry all the days, and then suddenly be in a good mood - ONLY because somebody flirted with me.

about the last and unnecessary thank you emails:

My experience is that i sometimes get rather insulted by receiving a thank you! (especially with the exclamation sign, but also without).  The situations this happens in, are happening in my inboxes.

It goes like this

To Me: Hi, can you please send me something that you've got and I need? regards, Ben.
From me: Sure, here it is, hope it works out all right!
To me:  Thank You!  sincerely FULL NAME (as if i didn't know or what?).

And by this i get insulted.  I experience this gesture of saying unnecessarily thanks as a power statement, a way of having the important last word, a way of proving that you are the initiator who in the end of the line makes society breathe and expand to something better.  Of course this also means that I feel it is unnecessary to thank me, because i feel the thanks are already implied in the question and our relation of mutually helping colleagues.  Even if it is a slight chance it actually is the way to go about, I'm still insanely provoked by the format featuring exclamation signs and full name (not as a signature attached to all your emails!)

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!  - I'm glad to help you, frankly i'm happy to help pretty much anyone (i get a borderline sick satisfaction from helping people - it makes me feel powerful - even if i simultaneously feel used).  But I do not need me helping you exercising how to manage your social situations in email-format.

I'm obviously not exercising anything but hostility towards colleagues, I'm pretty much denying every possible positive idea connected to the last and unnecessary thank you email or text message.

submission

I am very subconscious about the content in this blog.  Frankly i feel like most of the time i'm definitively wasting the time of my readers.  I still write my shit, but i don't feel particularly good when i think of the readers.

Why is this a concern to me?  Should i even be concerned?  After all, no one is forced to read this blog?

The only really likely outcome of my delirious writing is that it will rarely be read.  Maybe one or two sentences skimming through is what most readers get out of it.  But that shouldn't be my concern should it?

I'm such a submissive character by nature and experience, I can't even help but submitting to my distant and mostly non-existing blog readers.  That's far too weird. And weak.

Well you lot, this is your window, if you'd like to control my actions in writing: you now know that this is entirely possible.